Being a girl.

” Gotta get married one day. You gonna get married by 25. You’re a girl, that’s how it works. All girls get married” “learn how to cook. That’s how a good girl should be. You gotta be a good cook to be a good wife.” “you should learn how to be more disciplined. Girls don’t laugh that loud. Be more polite.” “don’t be like that.” “don’t do that.” “don’t do this.”

“girls! They’re so weak. Such delicate dumb creatures.”

And then there’s the “study hard!! You gotta be independent you know. Gotta be something big. Strong. ”

Gotta be married by 25.

It’s suffocating. Not that I’m against marriage. But it feels like a dead line. A dead line for my dreams.

It all starts from the Barbie movies. Then there’s Disney. The happily ever after! All our child hood, that’s a good portion of the 25 year deadline we’re fed with dreams. Then by 14 we start dreaming even bigger. Doctor. Engineer. Artist. That’s when the “study hard! ” advice starts. Then by 16 it turns into “learn how to cook!” (not that I hate cooking. I love to bake) ” learn how to sew!” but the “study hard” remains the same. Then by 18 we realize that we have about 8 -7 years before the deadline and we’re no where near our dreams. We’re still deciding. Still trying to figure out what’s right for us. The rational, realist teenager starts weighing the possibility of getting a good job. Dreams for about a second. Remembers the deadline and tries to forget about that dreamjob. “Gotta get into a good university, at least. That’s half of the dream. Let’s focus on working for that.” Dreams a little more. Then it hits her. “I’m a good for nothing lazy girl.” The dreams of the childhood. The castles. The kingdom. All hell breaks loose, cause they just gave her depression, anxiety and regret.

The regret of ever dreaming for anything. The resentment of ever wanting to fly high like a bird. Carefree and independent.

And that’s how the average girl spend the rest of the time till the deadline.

I just wanna know. Why believe everything they say? Why ruin the 8-7 year time you actually still have? Why cry over an uncertain future when whatever is going to happen will happen anyways? What difference does it make?

All of this coming from a person like me, depressed, hopeless, helpless and dumb, above it all, is a big thing. Because I hate myself. I know my flaws. I know me. And I know I’m not who I wish to be. But at least I don’t give up on the one little hope. That one light flickering at the end of the dark alley. The only achievable half of the dream.

Your life isn’t supposed to be perfect. You are not supposed to be perfect. And most importantly. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE EVERY SINGLE BULLSHIT PEOPLE SAY. My mum said once ” let the people speak. That’s what they do. You can’t hold their mouth. Listen to all their cock and bull crap but never believe it. “

You and I both know of the deadline. We know our flaws. We know our desired destination. It’s marriage not imprisonment!! We’re not being sent back to the stone age!! It’s the 21st century! WAKE UP!

If I’m depressed then how can I say this? Because I’m not sad about the deadline. I’m not worried about the future. I’m worried about the fact that I’m not good enough. It’s my own problems. I try to live in the moment and I can’t because I’m at fault. It’s me. Not the field that I want or the dream that I have, that’s flawed. You maybe wrong but your dreams arent don’t kill them too fast. You’re born a girl. That’s your destiny. Even a tiny ant has a purpose a destiny. So do you! Just believe in the fact that everyone has a special place and a special role to okay. If you can’t believe in yourself don’t. But don’t let the world and its cruel words get to your heart.

Every heart has a dream. And no one has a right to kill it. For the heart doesn’t belong to anyone. It came from the soul of the world and that’s where it will return. You’re purpose is to be friends with it and to follow it’s beat. It’ll lead you to your destiny only if it’s unpolluted, unaffected and free of the manipulation of the makeshift truth, molded by the ones who never got close to their destiny. So they wish for no one to reach it.

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Perspective.

Sometimes I wonder if things that seem like normal or casual conversation when we hear someone say them are actually as shallow like what if they really have a deeper meaning than the one portrayed? Like Shakespeare’s quotes like

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”(copy pasted from google)

I mean it can’t just mean that a name can’t change how a rose smells right?

(Why do perspectives even exist? I mean it kinda gets scary when we try to live life from several perspectives.)

I remember once I was reading about Shakespeare’s work and I read the above quote and my mind interpreted it (because ‘perspective’) and a voice in my head said ‘call a thorn by any other name and it would still make you bleed’.(Now is that scary or what?)

Some people assume that it’s a romantic way of expressing that no matter the name Juliet was called she would still be beautiful.

But if you read about Shakespeare it’s actually a sarcastic quote reffering to the theatre opposite his called the Rose, he was reffering to the rose (theatre) and it’s broken sewage system. I mean who could assume Shakespeare was a savage but here we are.

Just like that, a smile could mean a thousand things. Just a little smile. I mean yeah it involves 43 muscles but it’s not that much of an effort right? Just that one little smile could change your life forever. It gets scary when we think about the million reasons, thoughts and intentions behind it.

Or maybe I’m Overthinking.

I’m probably Overthinking but hey that’s the perks of being a…a.. I don’t know what I am though. Weird. Crazy.A complete drama queen. Insane. Or just normal. Cause words don’t actually mean anything, we just associate meaning to them. They’re just a bunch of syllables. Letters stringed together. So, that means I can associate whatever memory or meaning or reference I want with them right? So, I’ll say I’m normal. As normal as normal can be.

I’m completely normal, trust me. The thoughts in my head may be wild. The things I say may be weird. The voices in my head may drive me crazy. But trust me I’m fine. It’s normal. As normal as normal can be.

-y/p

Two-faced 2

They say time heals everything
Then why does it hurt
waking up every morning
Knowing its not worth it
Time doesn’t heal
it hides
The pain behind the smile
The screams behind the laughter
And the scars behind a mask
With time we learn to hide our sadness
Our tears
Crying in the bathroom
Enduring the pain
And wearing a smile like an expensive mask
The brighter the better.

-y/p

The hate WE give.

I don’t write about the hate I get, I write about the hate you give.

I don’t write about the love I get, I write about the love I give.

It’s easy to absorb all the hate in the world. It’s easy to associate all the hate to ourselves. Then, why can’t we absorb all the love? Why can’t we associate all the love in the world to ourselves?

We have the ability to see our own self through the eyes of those who hate us and see all the flaws. Then, why can’t we see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us? Why can’t we find perfection in our imperfect and flawed selves when a handful of others can?

Why can’t we love ourselves just the way we are?

It’s because we’re blinded by the hate and it’s darkness. We’re stuck in a whirlpool and it’s taking us deep into the valley of hate, self-loath and darkness.

Now-a-days the biggest problem our generation faces is the hate that they get just because they don’t follow the Society’s ways. The stereotypes will be the death of our creativity and talent.

Racism, sexism and ageism are the murderers of this generations talent and abilities. When we face several problems and obstacles in reaching our aims and pursuing our passion, we give up. That’s how unemployment, corruption, crimes and other bad things are born. When we get rejected several times and we are forced to think that we’re not good enough, we use every possible way to achieve our aims and at that point we don’t care if it’s the right way, the good way or not. All that we care about is getting what we want. Or in other situations we just give up. We give up on ourselves but continue to serve the society. And when the society has used us enough we dispose of ourselves.

With the increasing rate of crimes, there’s another thing that’s increasing, the rate of self-harm. Suicides. And it’s all because the hate of the society gives us the gifts of many lethal mental illness, depression, anxiety and what not. And when the hate pushes us to our limits we give in. When it pushes us to the edge of the cliff, we simply let go and jump off.

The increasing rate of self-harm especially among teenagers is all thanks to the hate that the society gives.

Now what is the society? Who is the society?

Well as harsh and bitter as it may seem. We are the society. You, me and everyone else. We realize the power of our words and the things we say or do only when it’s too late. We don’t know what a thing that is small and simple to us may mean to others. The joke we’re laughing at may break someone’s heart. Now a days we don’t even bother to apologize for the harsh things we say. How can we possibly fathom the fact that our small jokes and puns might kill someone internally. How maybe the time we didn’t smile back when someone smiled at us could break their heart.

We find articles and seminars and books on self-love and self-help everywhere around us but still they can’t change anything. Because how can we love ourselves when all we’ve learned is how to hate ourselves.

Two-faced 1

Thinking
Overthinking
Remembering
Forgetting
Little things
Little thoughts
Big things
Big thoughts
Entangled in this never ending vine
Lost in this never ending maze
The tears
The smiles
Do they mean anything?
Are they real or are they fake?
Questions
Without an answer
We worry about the big things but we’re worried more about the little ones
We dream big but value the little things

-Y/P